The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Poached Yegs

Poachers killed thousands of animals for the manufacturing of wildlife products. These items supported terrorists and fed superstitious and ignorant practices. Local governments were distraught. Tourism was drying up and their precious wildlife was going extinct.

Hopeless, the president of a country hard hit with the poaching took a visitor. The visiting gentleman proposed investing in a poaching preserve. Anyone caught killing animals or selling wildlife products was imprisoned in the preserve. The preserve would be open to hunting groups. The poachers would be the hunted.

In time, legends grew about the preserve and the poachers caught and imprisoned there. Hunting poachers became quite the pastime among the wealthy and elite. Many went on safari at the preserve. They took shots at the panicky criminals who darted between rock and tree. Some came back with a prize kill.

Back home, the gentleman who had created and funded the poacher preserve was invited to coffee by a neighbor. Awhile after he arrived, the neighbor mentioned he was having difficulty stopping smoking. The gentleman produced a small vial of powder from his jacket.

“Shake a little of this into your coffee for a few days,” advised the gentleman.

The gentleman downstairs never said what was in the vial. But it was rumored that powder made from a poacher’s testicles could stop a bad habit.



“The doom that should be over every person is: ‘Let it be upon your own head.’”

– Peter H. Gilmore, The Satanic Scriptures, 156.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Caved In

A man invited others to visit his cave.

One of the guests entered the cave, looked around, and laughed. He ridiculed the man’s dearth of hunting trophies and quality of cave drawings. He joked about the man’s choice in food and women. This shamed the man who lived in the cave and he brooded for a moment before returning to the group.

“Oh, you’re looking for my hunting trophies?” he asked the offending guest. “And my good cave drawings? Those are deeper in my lair, where they are safe. I save them for special visitors like you. Go, take a look. You’ll not find my lair so easy to ridicule.”

The visitor headed further into the man’s cave. He looked around for the treasures the man said were ahead. The cave got smaller and took the shape of a tunnel. The man came to a fork in the tunnel as the light from the cave entrance behind him faded. The voices of the guests grew faint.

“Which way do I go to see these things you speak of?” hollered the guest.

“Keep going, you’ll find them,” called the man who owned the cave.

The guest kept going until it was dark and he could no longer hear the others. He felt around and then realized he was lost. He began running and realized he no longer had any sense of direction.

Panting, he realized he was never going to leave the cave.



“When in another’s lair, show them respect or do not go there.”

The third rule from Anton LaVey’s ‘The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth’ (1967).

– Blanche Barton, The Secret Life of a Satanist, 284.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Goat’s Head Soup

Cooks made soup in a large pot in the kitchen.

First, they filled the vessel with water. Then the chef asked each cook to add an item. One cook was asked to add carrots, and another, onions. A third chopped and dropped potatoes into the steaming broth when requested. The chef added herbs and spices.

Then the last cook threw in salt without being asked.

“It’s not ready for salt,” said the chef. “I’ll let you know when to add it.”

“I think it’s ready,” insisted the fourth cook.

“It’s not,” replied the chef.

The chef stirred the pot of boiling soup, trying to dissipate the unwanted salt.

Again, the fourth cook added salt without being asked.

“Well, now it’s ruined,” said one of the cooks, exasperated.

The other cooks tossed the spoiled soup to the dogs behind the kitchen, and then returned to the stove. The chef began with water, and then asked the other cooks for their ingredients. Soon, the broth was bubbling away again. Once he was satisfied, he turned to the last cook.

“We could use some salt now,” the chef asked the fourth cook.

The fourth cook shook his head.

“I don’t have any left,” he said.



“Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.”

The first rule from Anton LaVey’s ‘The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth’ (1967).

– Blanche Barton, The Secret Life of a Satanist, 284.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables


Two women walked in the morning for exercise. Since it was during rush hour, many cars sped up and down driveways. The hurrying motorists crossed in front of the women’s’ path without looking. Often, there was screeching of brakes, a honk, and a yell from a car window. The pedestrians shook their heads and tried to put aside their anger at the cars.

“Might is right,” said one, shrugging.

“Nothing is mightier than the sword,” said the other. She held up a house key and proceeded to scratch through the paint on the door of a parked car nearby. The car had just brushed the woman while pulling into a spot at a store.

The car hadn’t stopped.



“Do unto others as they do unto you.”

– Anton LaVey, The Satanic Bible, 51.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

The System and the Man

A young man was caught burglarizing homes. When he was before the court, the judge asked him a series of questions.

“Who committed these crimes?” the judge asked.

“Society,” the young man replied. “The way in which it works prevents me from getting ahead.”

“But society is prevented from getting ahead because it needs to spend time dealing with you,” replied the judge. “So, who committed these crimes?”

“History,” the young man replied. “The pages of the past do not include me.”

“But now those pages contain your name, don’t they? The record of your arrest now appears there. Again, who committed these crimes?” the judge asked.

“The system,” the young man replied. “It does not recognize that it is broken.”

“What is broken,” replied the judge. “Are your thumbs.”

The judge demanded that the man’s punishment be commensurate with his crime. And so the burglar’s hands were broken at the thumbs.

The man healed but never again returned to taking from others. The pain reminded him throughout his life of the troubles that thievery brought him.



“Individuals are accountable for the consequences of their actions, not society, history, the ‘system’, or any other outside influence.”

Church of Satan. Five Point Plan. 1988. Web.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Invasive Exotics

A man tended gardens for a royal family. The plants thrived because of their value, beauty, and vivacity in the soil. The new queen had different ideas about tending the grounds. She believed all plants should grow in the gardens. Even weeds.

“If the weeds are not contained, the garden will suffer,” the gardener protested.

“If it is green, let it grow,” the queen told her gardener.

The gardener shrugged, shook his head and went back to work. The decree went out: any plant would thrive in the beds.

In a short time the invasive weeds spread, taking over plots of the garden beds. Flowers, shrubs and other specimens in the gardens faded and receded. Those that survived weakened and suffered. The gardener tried to save what he could. But the weeds were strong. The native plants deteriorated and their reproduction slowed.

The queen planned a party. She told the gardener to decorate the castle with clippings from the garden. All he could muster were vases full of dandelions and thorns. The queen’s guests were disheartened and disappointed with the display. The queen was dismayed at this reception and went to the garden.

She gasped when she reached the overgrown back lawn. Around a corner, she saw that the gardener had maintained a protected, small plot. There, the original species still flourished. Drying her eyes, the queen saw the error of her ways. She encouraged the gardener to return the garden to its former glory.



“People of talent and ability are encouraged to reproduce in order to enrich the gene pool from which our species can grow.”

Gilmore, Peter. The Satanic Scriptures. Baltimore: Maryland. Scapegoat Publishing, 2007.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Lift, Twist, Pluck

A group picked apples from a fruit tree by day. One picker practiced climbing the tree night after night while the others slept. Only this picker knew that the apples at the top of the tree were the best tasting.

Each day, the group gathered under the lower limbs of the tree. They collected what few apples were there.

A few pickers climbed to higher limbs of the tree and collected apples from that spot.

The picker who practiced each night climbed past them, picking fruit as he went. When he was at the top of the tree, he picked apples that no one else could reach. He drank in the beautiful vista surrounding him. The apples at the top of the tree were sun kissed and tasted better than any other apples on the tree.

Word spread among the pickers about the quality of these apples at the top of the tree. The other pickers resented him. They spent their free time grumbling over their lot. They schemed to find ways to make the picker share his apples.

“Throw down some of those apples! We hear they’re better than these,” the group yelled up to the climber.

But the third climber didn’t hear them. The juicy crunch of each bite from the apples was too great. It drowned their complaints.



“The social structure of humanity is stratified; each person reaches a level commensurate with the development of their natural talents; there is no such thing as universal equality.”

Gilmore, Peter. The Satanic Scriptures. Baltimore: Maryland. Scapegoat Publishing, 2007.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

Best Friends Forever

Before he ran his own company, the gentleman downstairs worked for another firm. He was a salaried employee involved in tactics, but never strategy. He carried out the responsibilities of his position. He fulfilled the objectives set before him.

Yet his views and opinions about business were often contrary to those of management. He was passed over for promotions and raises.

So he left to start his own venture.

At first it was rough going, but he was a good businessman and learned fast. His company offered the market exactly what it desired: choice. In fact, the company he left needed him to stay in business for them to survive. It did better when he was in the trades; competition paid dividends.

Eventually, the gentleman controlled much of the market. His products and services excelled. In comparison, those offered by the competition were dated and old-fashioned.

A journalist asked him questions during an interview.

“What’s next?” the newsman asked. “Where do you take the company from here?”

“I’m going to retire,” replied the gentleman. “That’ll put them out of business.”



“Satan has been the best friend the church ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years.”

LaVey, Anton. The Satanic Bible. New York: Avon Books, 1969. Print.


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

First Class Travel

Neighbors in the apartment building often desired an escape from the hustle of life. When they did, they consulted the gentleman downstairs. Though reserved, the eclectic, dignified and gracious gentleman always welcomed those who knocked. He knew why they visited: time travel.

The gentleman’s abode looked as if it were from different time periods. Here was a room decorated and untouched since the 1920s. A phonograph record played. A cigarette smoldered in a tin ashtray. A backdrop of antiquated, outdated post-Victorian trappings hung on the walls. Here was a room that looked as if no one has visited it since 1972. Shag rugs, colorful pillows, and plastic filled the room. Here was a third: a perfect replica of a home in Pompeii, Rome before Vesuvius blew its top. And here’s another room from the 1290s and another from the 1700s. And another from the 1430s.

The rooms sprawled from the entry and foyer. The gentleman greeted his guests with a knowing smile and a wave of the hand. These travelers aimed to enter a world different from their own. This gentleman’s quarters did the trick.

A sense of calm embraced these time travelers once they chose a room. They could spend time in a different century. The rooms transported them from the travails of their current lives. They could visit a place where troubles could be seen from a different perspective. They left refreshed. They were ready to tackle the issues at hand in the world outside.

His door was always open.



“The creation of total environments cultivates sensitivity which provides clarity of context when engaged in other milieus.”

– Anton LaVey


The Gentleman Downstairs and Other Satanic Parables and Fables

One for You, One for Me

A woman attended a party at the gentleman’s apartment downstairs. Over dinner, she argued that people’s natural state was selflessness and compassion. The gentleman disagreed. The discussion became heated. So the gentleman proposed a bet: were humans selfless or selfish?

The woman agreed to the bet and to the arrangements that the man proposed.

The gentleman placed three vending machines next to each other on a street corner. The machine looked identical. But they dispensed different items to passersby who deposited a coin. Instructions atop each machine described what the buyer would receive.

The first machine dispensed a gumball when someone inserted a coin into its slot.

The second dispensed a note. It stated that the coin would help children at a nearby orphanage.

The third machine dispensed both the gumball and the note.

The gentleman and his neighbor watched the machines from her apartment porch. The street was busy; many people passing paused at the machines. Some of them deposited coins.

At the end of the morning, the gentleman escorted the lady across the street. They examined the machines to see which was most depleted. Only the third machine needed to be refilled.

The first machine came close to being emptied, to the chagrin of the woman.



“It is unnatural not to have the desire to gain things for yourself.”

LaVey, Anton. The Satanic Bible. New York: Avon Books, 1969. Print.